A/Mused

First comes love, Then comes marriage, Then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Then comes a lover, Then a broken marriage, Then to pay your lawyer you sell the carriage....

If you're going to write - and I mean write the way the heart writes - then write like you're an oyster going about its business. Write any other way and it's writing worth having read but not worth reading - in other words, journalism....

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. People who live in mud houses shouldn't throw water. People who live in space stations shouldn't throw up. People who live in Santa's workshop shouldn't throw ho ho....

Hello, I'm a 35 year old female, recently divorced. Sandy blond hair, blue eyes, 5'8" tall, fit. I'm calling from inside a dead man's stomach. I have a rotary phone in here with me - it's pretty crowded. I was looking for the man's heart...

My potato you are to me What no other potato could hope for. So wherefore art thou potato? I mean, where art thou? You seem to have rolled away Even as I give my love simple utterance. Art shy? Do not fear me, For I love thee above all other potatoes. On a...

Some monsters lived in a cave just north of the village and occasionally the villagers would bait one out into the open and kill it. Today was one of those occasions and the villagers were going monster baiting. The Mayor assembled the men, shouted, “Alright,...

The first thing I do when I sit down to write, is throw out every single "should" pertaining to style, grammar, or other mechanics of writing. The next thing, of course, is to throw out what I've just written...

The only thing I've eaten today is a little poetry and a couple of pages out of Kafka's Metamorphosis - this last tasted like bugs. God I hate diets....

Cowboy. I was drawing my gun to shoot him, but I shot myself in the foot. Then as I was bandaging my foot, the bullets dropped out of my gun. I was putting them back in when the stupid barrel for some reason fell off....

At the nude model painting class there's a nude model, naturally, and this one painter holding up his thumb toward her, the way we sometimes see painters do. But a quick glance at his canvas shows a remarkably good representation of a thumb. He's obviously...

There's an area in Missouri called Mark Twain National Forest. It is said that Mark Twain's untold stories still roam wild and free there. Some government officials want to turn it into a sanctuary, because these stories are precious and rare. D. Trump is against...

You're grunting on the can, and out comes a one-sided shit. You've just excreted a mobius strip! A mobius strip of course, has very sexy mathematics. You're pissed off though and couldn't care less about the sexy mathematics, because your toilet paper is also one-sided...

I graduated high school this yeer with Common Core and now I work for the Spelling Polece, and we're on the proul. What? Why are you laughing at me?...

Papa, who is the toothbrush fairy? The Toothbrush Fairy? Why, she comes whenever one of your toothbrushes falls out. Place the toothbrush under your pillow at night, and in the morning it will be gone. In its place you will find a piece of paper...

Benjamin Franklin had felled a neighbor’s cherry tree and an altercation ensued. During the trial, Mr. Franklin denied the allegations and convinced the jury that he had no motive. He was acquitted on all counts, and on presenting a kite with a key dangling from...

I keep a mummified hand on my desk. Shocking, I know. More shocking is that its fingernails continue to grow. So I file them from time to time then the hand gives me a thumbs up. Sometimes I let it pick my nose....

Wikipedia declined my definition of Thesaurus - I can't understand why: "The Thesaurus was a large theropod, about 26 ft in length, weighing between 1.6–2.9 tons. It lived during the late Cretaceous (99-65 million years ago) and its fossilized remains have been found from Patagonia...

Twinkle twinkle little primary progressive aphasia How I wonder what you hemolytic anemia Up above the world so atopic dermatitis Like a diamond in the haemophilus influenzae type B...

The pocket bagpipe longs for the Scottish highlands. In the dark of your pocket among the lint and old candy wrappers it cries out, Why have you forsaken me? Fact is, you've taken it to Peoria, Illinois, where people don't like bagpipes, and after receiving...